Step One: Identity Confusion
"Who am I?" is the major question in this step. You start to notice your attraction to same-sex and really question what it means. Am I a lesbian? Am I bisexual?I am totally confused right now. I'm 19, and attend college. I've always been in long relationships with men. I'm attracted to men, and they turn me on. But recently I met this lesbian in my class and we've been talking. When we chat I get turned on. I have never done anything with a woman, besides making out drunk. Could I be a lesbian, or is this a normal/new experience feeling?
--College Freshman
Step Two: Identity Comparison
In this phase you might try to find an explanation for why you are having the feelings you are having. "Maybe I am a lesbian. Or maybe I'm bisexual." You might feel totally alone, like you are the only one who has gone through this. You could be asking yourself, "Is this a phase?" "Am I only attracted to this one friend or will this be a life-long thing?"I am very confused right now and I have no one to talk to about what I am feeling. I am getting worried that I want to be a lesbian, and not that I just happen to be lesbian. (I’m not saying being a lesbian is bad!) I worry because my parents are homophobic, plus I am only 17, I worry that this is a phase, but the feeling I had for this woman I've never felt for a man before. Please help me find out who I am!
--High School Senior
Step Three: Identity Tolerance
In this stage you might begin to accept that you probably are lesbian or bisexual. Or you might come to terms with some parts of being a lesbian, but not fully embrace it. You might feel that being sexual with another woman is okay, but you're not ready to identity as lesbian or bisexual. Or you might come to accept the fact that you have fallen in love with your friend, but that it will never happen with another woman. You might seek out others online or in your life to socialize with. You might get into counseling or a support group.I am a woman married to a man. Currently we are separated but I have always had attractiveness to women. I guess you can call me bicurious. Right now in my life, I feel that I am about to completely crazy cause I have this desire and I feel a strong need to release what I am feeling. I am having trouble finding other lesbians or bisexual women I can talk to. My dilemma is this, I fantasize about sex with women all day, but I don't feel like I could be in a relationship with them.
--Bicurious and Married
Step Four: Identity Acceptance
In this stage you begin to accept, rather than just tolerate your sexual identity. You begin to form friendships with other lesbians and bisexual women. You begin to realize that being lesbian or bisexual is okay and that your life can and will be happy and fulfilling. You may begin to come out to a few people or close friends.By now, I am sixteen years old but I have more or less known I am lesbian since I have been twelve. I have been struggling with it for three years and did very intensively try getting out with boys. I had problems accepting my own homosexuality and that caused me to be even more afraid of coming out.
The day that changed my life, was when I sent a picture to a very good friend of mine, who is an open lesbian. She followed the address of the picture; saw it was from a lesbian site and asked directly whether I was lesbian. Surprised, I confirmed. It really kitted us together and it was so positive I told some other friends of mine (but none attending my school except from that friend of mine). All reacted in a positive way and I was enthusiastic about it.
--Isabel, Düsseldorf, Germany
Step Five: Identity Pride
You may start to feel a sense of belonging in the community and start to come out to more and more people. Sometimes you might get angry and militant in this phase, pissed off at the rights that gays and lesbians don't have. May get involved in gay and lesbian activism.Make no bones about it, I am proud of what I am but it makes no difference what others think. I can go where I want, do what I want and be free to love the person of my choice. I have committed myself to a wonderful woman. --Anna
Step Six: Identity Synthesis
In this stage being lesbian or bisexual is integrated into who you are. It's so much a part of you that you rarely think about it, unless there is a reason, like witnessing homophobia. You might have a more holistic view of yourself and feel equally comfortable in straight and glbt environments. Your lesbian identity is integrated with all aspects of yourself.At my age, 23, I couldn’t be happier to be Out and married to the love of my life.
--Nikki
