Please do not feel obligated to rush into sex with various people to help you discover your sexual orientation. This takes time. And sex, regardless of whom it is with, is only good when both parties are on the same page. Without honesty, the most important aspect of a sexual experience is gone. So please, don’t use people to find yourself. It is deceitful and completely unfair.
Reactions to Coming Out
As for “coming out”, to other people, please expect varied reactions. Keep in mind that the social stigma against gays and lesbians is intense. You are not the only one affected by it. All of your family and friends received the same dose of internalized homophobia as you did. Therefore, if you come out to somebody and they don’t immediately accept you, try to be understanding. Chances are, you kept your feelings to yourself for a while before you were ready to discuss them with your loved ones. You most likely went through a period of denial, of guilt, of shame and/or fear. The people you care about are not exempt from these feelings. Although they will most likely accept you because they love you, this new information will take some getting used to. Chances are, they will experience some of the same negative feelings that you did. Even though you are feeling very vulnerable, it is important that you are sensitive to their feelings as well. Be ready to answer questions honestly, and to listen as they express their emotions.Keep in mind, you may be surprised at people’s reactions to your sexuality. Some of the people that you expected to give you a hard time may be the most supportive. I ran into that situation with my friends. Before I came out of the closet, I had just graduated from high school. I was terrified to tell my clique of friends that I was a lesbian. Because I felt that I couldn’t be honest with them, I distanced myself and put a strain on my friendships. After a year in college, I gained the confidence to come out of the closet to them. Every last one of them was extremely supportive. I was bewildered. And a good 50% of them were fairly religious. Most new people that I have come out to are very accepting. Their attitude is pretty much, “Oh, you’re a lesbian? Cool.” And believe it or not, I have run into various straight women who just love lesbians. They think that we are so “cool”. I have also run into my share of straight men who thoroughly enjoy my company, despite the fact that they will never see me naked.
Family Reactions to Coming Out of the Closet
I must be honest though. I live in a family with my mother, my grandmother and my aunt. Although my grandma and aunt were totally cool about me being gay, my mom is another story. She still has yet to accept it. She tenses up when I mention that a girl is pretty, and when she overhears a phone conversation I have with a crush, her face becomes flushed with anger. I cannot openly discuss my sexuality with her, although I have tried. As difficult as it is, I have just accepted that my mother may never be okay with having a lesbian daughter. But I realize that it is hard for her too. I am her only daughter, and she had dreams of me going off to college and meeting a nice intellectual man, getting married, having a house, 2 kids, an SUV, and a dog. If you run into this situation with a parent, realize that no matter what, they will still love you. Although it is hard to digest, you may never be able to talk about this aspect of your life with them. However, if you have a somewhat functional relationship with your family, chances are, your parents will be happy when you finally find love.With that said, I am done writing here. You don’t have to go through this alone. Please gain all the support that you need. And if you live in the New York City area, do not hesitate to visit the Gay Community Center on 13th street between 7th and 8th Avenue. Good luck, all!
