Dear Lesbian Life:
Two years ago, I was dating a girl who is now my ex. During that time my parents asked me if I was gay. I said, "Yes I am." This caused more uproar and turmoil than I could have ever imagined.My mom freaked out, throwing a lamp telling me she would rather I stabbed her and buried her next to my grandmom than me be gay. She would have to emotionally disconnect herself from me if I "chose" this lifestyle. She told me I was sick and being in a relationship with a girl was disgusting and that I would never get hired or be successful.
She also argued with my dad. (He has four other daughters from a previous marriage, all heterosexual). She told him that he had other daughters and I was her only chance. Dad, realizing how upset mom was, shook me telling me I was a "f**k up" and that my life was ruined if I continued down this path. He also told me he'd rather me be pregnant in jail for drugs than be gay. Later on, he calmed down and told me that he was starting to realize that me being gay might be a reality.
I Told Her I was Straight
Five days later I left the country for a month. I continued on my relationship with said girl. When I returned my mother threatened that if I did not tell her I wasn't gay she would take away my tuition for college and every other fund she’s provided. I told her I was straight (a decision I now regret).That relationship continued on for another year. We broke up due to personal factors. I am now in a relationship with a woman I plan on spending the rest of my life with and we live together. My parents know we live together and think we are roommates. Recently Dad asked me how my "sexuality issue" was going and I simply told him it was a non-issue.
Is it safe to assume that they know? And what is your advice on what to do in this situation. As much as I can’t stand the way they treated me, they ARE my parents and I do love them. At times I want to just walk away from them. And at times I want to scream and cry. Hiding my life is taking its toll on me. My partner is FULLY supportive and wants me to just do what makes me content. HELP!
Dear Lesbian Daughter,
I’m happy to say that coming out stories like yours are becoming rarer and rarer, but unfortunately, they are still happening. I’m sorry for the hurt your parents have caused you.It’s hard to know what is behind your mom’s homophobia, but obviously she has some very strong feelings. Her reactions were quite harsh. From what you describe, it sounds like your Dad may eventually come around. In the meantime, what do you do?
The first is to do exactly what you are doing--living your life with a partner you care about. What is most important is that you continue to do things that make you happy, not to please someone else.
Forgive Yourself
I think you need to forgive yourself for lying to you mom back when she threatened to take away your college money. You’re not the first gay or lesbian person I know who had to make such a decision. Your survival depended on it.Now that your life is stable and you are in a good relationship, you might want to consider bringing up your sexual orientation with your parents again. But before you do, you should really weigh the pros and cons. If you do come out to them, you risk losing your relationship with your mom, as tenuous as it is.
I think your situation is the kind that would be best dealt with in a therapist’s office. If your mom had such a violent reaction to your coming out, I’m guessing she hasn’t always been the most loving and supportive mom. Having a professional help you sort through the ways your relationship with your parents is affecting your life and how you want to proceed with them in the future can only be helpful. Not only can a good therapist help you work through the tough situation with your folks, but she can shine a light on how their abusive behavior may be affecting your current relationship and other aspects of your life.
